Ever Failed an exam?

Steve Jobs: “The journey is the reward”

Surely the answer from your side is yes. you must be thinking that why I’m making you revisit a painful moment.

For me the wound of failure is fresh. On March 24, 2021, I decided to give an exam on mass communication, and I am still aware of how happy I was when I found the ray of hope.

Since childhood, I have always wanted to be a writer. Must admit, I was a great writer. not in sense of perfectness though in terms of freedom. I was free from rules of grammar and vocabulary, wasn't worry about the feedback, and from the fear of " what will people say".

However, my destiny decided science for me, as in my family humanities is never considered as an option to choose.

 It’s been more than 7 years of writing and, I finally thought to take the first step of courage and write the exam for the Indian Institute of Mass Communication(IIMC). It is my dream to pursue mass communication.

In college, my first article was on “Right to Question”. I still remember how happy I was when I recognized my new interest in politics.

Nevertheless, soon after writing all dreams and love stories, the maturity word strikes in my head and, I realized bro you are not a good writer!!!

Do you know why, because, I’m not good with constructing phrases, violating grammatical rules, and also not using fanciful vocabulary? but anyways I’m still writing to keep my childhood writer alive and waiting for one day to make her feel proud that yes, I did it.

 Let’s come back to the topic of exams and failure. So when I received admit card from IIMC all, I wanted to go alone to a new city mentioned as a place for the exam. I thought this is the time to fight with my parents for my dream, high time to take a stand, and as so I did.

Ebulliently, It was easier for me to convince them. Alas, my destiny has unexpected ways. My Aunt got stuck in the same city and to take her back to the house my uncle visited the city on the same dates as my exam and, I JOINED HIM DISAPPOINTETLY.

After reaching the city, I was enthusiastic as every step towards examination was like a dream to me. I am a person who is always reluctant to give exams and scared of results. but this time it was my choice and proud moment.

Since I’m exacerbating this much, you must be thinking that I should have prepared well, right? not really. As I told you my main career stream is science and this exam was foreign to me. All I just knew was that this is all about journalism and nothing else.

 I completed my 2 hours exams in one hour and was confident( overconfident) about my performance. obviously, I was happy because at least I was able to give some correct answers and it was enough for me.  

Yesterday the result came and I got 53%. The usual cut-off for the exam goes to 94%, you can figure out how terrible position I got.

So yeah I failed to gain a good position and disappointed my childhood writer. whenever I remember the entire journey of failure I can evidently say it was a beautiful experience.

Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.

Oliver Goldsmith

It is always beautiful to do something out of your league, it is great to explore new things for yourself. So, if you are fearful of choosing something and procrastinating your failure. Just breathe and trust yourself and do something that makes you feel alive, maybe you will fail but the journey will be a reward.

Gooday!

Where is my positivity??????

Be happy; Be fine; Life is beautiful and, you are great …….!!!

Whenever I open Instagram or text any mate to see and share my frustrations.

 All that I receive some of the above powerful lines and I wonder why?

Like why it is really important to be fine and how can someone be happy all the time. 

I belong to a middle-class family where all my relatives are achievers. 

When I specifically talk about achievers, the first designation is Engineer, then the second doctor. The last thing they prefer is B.Sc, the three-year course that I’m doing or maybe done with it. 

In case if you don’t know what it is, the full form is Bachelor of Science. 

Yes, science is first and, it will be the last. No arts and commerce can exist.

 So, should I still get hurt about it like how they stopped me from pursuing arts in school as I’m a graduate student and as per the terms and conditions of maturity, I should have accepted that it was a past and move on. So, yes I accepted the fact that I cannot change any more.

 But still, many small things of the past bother me you know like they were hidden somewhere. 

I know weak people regrets, complain, and make excuses but today all I can accept is that, Yes I’m weak.

Sorry, Grandma! maybe I’m not strong as you thought, sorry mom maybe my ambitions are vanishing and all I feel deep down is frustration, anger, and sadness.

No one talks about these things because they all say these are negatives, tears are bad and, anger is a curse. 

All shows they are best, they are doing their best, and trust me we all want our best versions only. Though you can’t deny before the best, the worst comes.

In a recent interview, the interviewer asked me to tell her my weaknesses, and all I wanted to say is that my weakness is my fear that how will I survive with this attitude. Stress that I do and want to do something great, but all I imagine is vast, and at present, I feel lost somewhere.

Today my 8 years old cousin told me that she feels alone with everybody and, I hugged her to make her feel that she is not alone. 

We all want this hug in our life where words and motivation don’t work. The only thing works are emotions without any filter.

I was reading a newspaper where a student said, I want to study but when Covid arrived I was 17 and now I’m close to becoming 20, how can I go to school? His question was valid but the answer, no one can justify.

You must be thinking why I’m linking all this and sounding so low, the reason is:

Today, I’m confessing to you all my vulnerabilities so that in case anyone feels alone can relate that it’s not the positivity that exists and they are not the only one who is suffering, I’m here too. 

Remember, in a moment of despair any statement and question are valid. All you just need to confess and believe.

 Yes, sadness exists, depression exists but no evidence of them says they are forever. This negativity can be your today but trust me your and my tomorrow will be great, we will be strong.

My first ME DATE experience.

• 

Should I go or not? If yes, then there should be no one. Let it be, I have to do this, I have to go, after all, every person needs to do it.

ME- Dad, Can I go for dinner?

Dad- with whom?

Me- alone

Dad – wait, what? Why alone, like you can have at least one friend with you

Me- NO, because it is easier to have what you want without asking for anyone’s permission.

Dad – Okay fine! just come before the deadline.

{it was really easy to convince him though, in India, the idea of going alone is not acceptable for society. Our society never teaches us, how to be alone, how to be prepared in case we fail. Everyone teaches us to be a winner, a lover, and an ideal family person. But togetherness is a temporary thing and we have to sustain alone and that is the truth that I have accepted in my life after my breakup.

Getting cheated on is not just about a relationship failure, it’s more about an individual’s failure, where you start doubting yourself. I still remember that how I questioned myself that it is me who is not good enough, maybe good face but not the body, it’s me who wasn’t expressive and all, etc shit.

  After two years of me finally, I am initiating a new journey, a mission of self-love. The love that I always looked for and now I’m gonna give it to myself. The first step of this journey is my first me date so let’s go}

Here the date starts:

Reached the decided place, after all, it was a famous restaurant and I genuinely thought that I can get a proper dinner. As soon as I parked my scooter, I saw sweet couples hugging each other. So much love, however, who cares. 

As soon as I opened the door, the restaurant had few empty seats, as mainly places were occupied by families.

 So I decided to go upstairs but there was a problem, the manager was following my every step

It was really awkward. At each table there were four seats which annoyed me and all I just shouted on the manager’s face, I can’t be here, you don’t have a single seat.

Conclusion– I failed****

The only motivation to continue the date was my hunger. Hence, I decided to go nearby cafe. Instantly I reached and immediately I ordered one oreo shake and some garlic bread, undoubtedly the person was surprised as the cafe was famous for tea. The cafe was really beautiful, near the highway, gorgeous moonlight some peace and comfortable pouf sitting for two people. I m sure now you guys already aware of my luck, the poufs were booked and I have to sit in front of the main door. Even after, the moonlight was enough to convince me. In between, I decided to call my best friend to show my new look, the black eyes with bun and a cool shrug with a short dress. Following the call, I was more confident than before and the oreo shake was great but the garlic pieces of bread were pretty rotten. Therefore, I left the place without eating.

Result: Nothing great happened but a nice try

So now what? home, I was still hungry, and all I had last 20 minutes of my deadline. So I decided to take the risk, and go to a crowded place that was not on my list and eat good food, the last chance.

During the ride, the highway was dark and, that darkness was magnificent. The moon was brighter, all the cars and trucks were almost rushing and, I was the only one who was chilling. That air and freedom, I wish I can describe, I was enjoying and then reached the destination. For the foremost time, my fear for people was less than my excitement for the food that I ordered. For the first time, I was happy to see so many people around me and, when I got my favorite Indian quizzene food, I was amazed by the flavors and eaten my food like no one is seeing. That carelessness, no hesitation, and confidence are what I had achieved. 

After reaching home all I was smiling and thanking God for this date. Which not only helped me to overcome my loneliness and also made me a new fearless girl.

This blog I dedicate to all those strong men and women who are courageous to be alone and building their personal spaces in world of dependency. I hope my experience can help you to try a new form of love and I am sure in the end it will be a wonderful trip like mine.

Where I am going?

A reality check to myself around 11Pm, is this all I want to do, If yes then why I’m not focused?.

Focus and discipline, the two supreme qualities of life. Being a player and a cadet they both was my priorities but now it all changed into laziness, scrolling feeds and YouTube.

I tried many things, no Instagram(it worked), no YouTube and now I only feel it helped at certain level but not fully to enhance my capabilities.

This awareness haunts me being an adult whose graduation is about to complete, who is doing an internship in the interested field, want to pursue physics in career and studying it and aims to become an IAS officer. The same girl is distracted, lost in thoughts and now just admiring the both, the inner silences and a big shore.

Shore of aspirations, wants, fantasies, dreams of becoming centre of attraction and dancing in front of all and proving them yes I’m not the dumbass instead a lit person.

On the other side,I approach towards calmness, being intelligent and a lady loved by a great man.

Sometimes, I really wonder from where all these thing arise, if I look outside, everyone has something to judge, say and teach. Even if they are at the verge of collapsing still they pretend to be the best version and me, who is at present allowing myself to flow like a river, breath air like it’s my birth and looking at the sun as it rises for me. After all this the main part comes.

It is alright to be a child being 21 year old?

Age, degree, future, ambition an mainly toxic ego, are becoming my reasons to live and as being a society person, I really appreciate these motives.

The only issues is that they are not in action, the way is not clear. Why at the end all I desire for love, respect and money and where is the source?

No matter how strong theory part is , my weakness of diversions feels like a hurdle in my path, the known path.

2020 Thank you

2020 you made me realize the importance of mental health

I still remember the last pages of 2019 diary when all my wishlist were ready to shape in reality, the exam dates and all beautiful plans.

And, then suddenly 2020 march introduced me with lockdown. My working parents started working from home, all those schedules of them included me in their life. We started eating together, watching together and the best thing, fighting together.

The four walls became my new home where all my frustration and depression passed after March to September.

The time when I realised that it is not others who are responsible for my pain, it’s me the person who never acknowledged the presence of people and now only loneliness left.

The fear of death to mask suffocation, I learnt to survive and now I’m happy in realizing that yes , it was a great year a most beautiful one, awakened one

Thank you 2020 for showing me that my life is not about plans and schedules, its about living fearlessly.