Idealism V/s Me

Story: Part 1

Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End.

Sometimes we feel like we are lost, lost on the road, with blurred eyesight and lots of fog. There are sun rays but in your mind, it is too dark to realize the light of hope, the darkness of resentment, grief, anger, and agony. 

My story starts with a girl who doesn’t want to pursue post-graduation but got no choice due to parental pressure. All I knew was that I always wanted to write and write freely. Being imaginative is a gift and a curse bounded by the necessity of freedom, Freedom of thoughts and opinions. When your freedom goes away, you turn into an obscure person. A person without ambition, who works without passion,

Every night was darker than usual. Every tear was different. It wasn’t just about the degree, it was more about choice, trust, and understanding of myself and the expression of my reflections.

 In Asia, we maintain weird relationships. We are so close but distant, we celebrate together but individually we are miserable. Especially, the parent-child relationship is more about responsibility than appreciation.

All I was waiting for was someone to knock on my door and come inside.

 Rahul arrived with a smile, he was different. Unlike I ever imagined but still great. He was a talkative, furious, jolly person who always wanted to be surrounded, and his uttermost quality was being generous and a helping hand.

We dated, and we celebrated our relationship. It wasn’t a fairy tale as I was confused between love and like. All I knew was he was attractive but we were missing a link.

 A Link of understanding of words, and most importantly respect. isn’t it weird when you meet the right person and still he feels wrong?

At that time I wasn’t writing, only living and applying all my platonic expectations to the new relationship. 

 Then I met some new friends, and many doors got opened.

I don’t know why balancing friendship and relationships is always been a tough task for me, kind of impossible. So I broke up. You must be thinking how red flag I’m. Who ends a relationship because of friendships?

For me, friendship always came first. It has freedom, freedom of trust and happiness, fewer tantrums, and more smiles. Everything was in line like I was authority, then someone else arrived…..

Who made me fall in love with my degree, myself, and him…. To be continued.

Revisiting the Lockdown

What will be the motivation this time? The better tomorrow or survived yesterday.

All my pages of diary still remembered that time when Covid was introduced to us like havoc. All were unaware but scared, the only medicine was to stay home and that medicine was universally accepted as a form of lockdown.

At first, it was a fear that made us survive the very start of lockdown, and then it all changed into severe reality issues of the real world, we call them Depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

Apart from mental health issues, the happiest thing was the promotion in exams, introduction of new habits, and surely the introduction of myself in a new way.

So, overall Lockdown was survived but I never wanted it as my tomorrow and yes it is my tomorrow.

From tomorrow onwards in India, there will be a lockdown. I can see all the mental health issues coming towards me again, and this time they are more drastic with question marks of life and career.

The same education promotion is not beneficial this time, the social routine is not the same, all the goals have now vanished and, the fear remains constant,

This time Covid striking again with a high number of fatality rates brings the whole nation in the front of a biomedical emergency.

And, do you guys know, this time it is 100 times more drastic as we have so-called vaccines and all serosurveys but not the ultimate cure.

So, Covid is an end of the world?

I think no instead its a beginning, like how in spiritual teachings it been taught that life and death are independent of time gestures, there will be no tomorrow, no yesterday the only day is present day.

Covid is our presence which destroyed all the old methods of teaching, religious beliefs by shutting temples and brotherhood by letting all die in isolation.

Covid proves the fact that we come alone and die alone(isolation)

So let’s start once again alone, from the independence of the day before or the day after, let’s burn our schedules and take a long breathe to realize, be glad we are ALIVE! 

My first ME DATE experience.

• 

Should I go or not? If yes, then there should be no one. Let it be, I have to do this, I have to go, after all, every person needs to do it.

ME- Dad, Can I go for dinner?

Dad- with whom?

Me- alone

Dad – wait, what? Why alone, like you can have at least one friend with you

Me- NO, because it is easier to have what you want without asking for anyone’s permission.

Dad – Okay fine! just come before the deadline.

{it was really easy to convince him though, in India, the idea of going alone is not acceptable for society. Our society never teaches us, how to be alone, how to be prepared in case we fail. Everyone teaches us to be a winner, a lover, and an ideal family person. But togetherness is a temporary thing and we have to sustain alone and that is the truth that I have accepted in my life after my breakup.

Getting cheated on is not just about a relationship failure, it’s more about an individual’s failure, where you start doubting yourself. I still remember that how I questioned myself that it is me who is not good enough, maybe good face but not the body, it’s me who wasn’t expressive and all, etc shit.

  After two years of me finally, I am initiating a new journey, a mission of self-love. The love that I always looked for and now I’m gonna give it to myself. The first step of this journey is my first me date so let’s go}

Here the date starts:

Reached the decided place, after all, it was a famous restaurant and I genuinely thought that I can get a proper dinner. As soon as I parked my scooter, I saw sweet couples hugging each other. So much love, however, who cares. 

As soon as I opened the door, the restaurant had few empty seats, as mainly places were occupied by families.

 So I decided to go upstairs but there was a problem, the manager was following my every step

It was really awkward. At each table there were four seats which annoyed me and all I just shouted on the manager’s face, I can’t be here, you don’t have a single seat.

Conclusion– I failed****

The only motivation to continue the date was my hunger. Hence, I decided to go nearby cafe. Instantly I reached and immediately I ordered one oreo shake and some garlic bread, undoubtedly the person was surprised as the cafe was famous for tea. The cafe was really beautiful, near the highway, gorgeous moonlight some peace and comfortable pouf sitting for two people. I m sure now you guys already aware of my luck, the poufs were booked and I have to sit in front of the main door. Even after, the moonlight was enough to convince me. In between, I decided to call my best friend to show my new look, the black eyes with bun and a cool shrug with a short dress. Following the call, I was more confident than before and the oreo shake was great but the garlic pieces of bread were pretty rotten. Therefore, I left the place without eating.

Result: Nothing great happened but a nice try

So now what? home, I was still hungry, and all I had last 20 minutes of my deadline. So I decided to take the risk, and go to a crowded place that was not on my list and eat good food, the last chance.

During the ride, the highway was dark and, that darkness was magnificent. The moon was brighter, all the cars and trucks were almost rushing and, I was the only one who was chilling. That air and freedom, I wish I can describe, I was enjoying and then reached the destination. For the foremost time, my fear for people was less than my excitement for the food that I ordered. For the first time, I was happy to see so many people around me and, when I got my favorite Indian quizzene food, I was amazed by the flavors and eaten my food like no one is seeing. That carelessness, no hesitation, and confidence are what I had achieved. 

After reaching home all I was smiling and thanking God for this date. Which not only helped me to overcome my loneliness and also made me a new fearless girl.

This blog I dedicate to all those strong men and women who are courageous to be alone and building their personal spaces in world of dependency. I hope my experience can help you to try a new form of love and I am sure in the end it will be a wonderful trip like mine.

The Native app or Hybrid app? Let’s discuss.

So, are you building an app? If yes, then congratulations because you are in the right place. With the persistently increasing market of mobile apps, the limelight of business is building an app.
From large corporate houses to budding entrepreneurs, the focus is on tech-enabled marketing and manufacturing.

The second thought after an idea is a platform? Should it be a hybrid app or native app

Discussing individually both apps serve an enormous market.
The Native app Twitter interface provides trending controversial at the same time the hybrid app Facebook itself a marketplace.
Then what to choose? So here the debate starts;

What is your budget?– If you have plans for a decade-long company with high investments, kindly choose the native app. The native apps are organized and more interactive with mobile UI as compared to Hybrid.
Reason: Hybrid apps have a face like native apps and body based on web apps. Their work mainly depends on the internet and the installation of apps that makes them complex to use. Due to the webview system, they are less interactive with mobile UI.

And, if you are a newcomer, excited for your journey with enthusiasm and low budget, then say a big Yes for hybrid apps, as they serve one code base system.

We have two types of mobile base in the market. The first used by 88% population is Android mobiles and, the second serve with greater security and a highly improvised environment, the IOS operating system. For native apps, they have separate codes for each type as for Android the Java code based system and for IOS the C based system.

The native apps are involved with the user but do not communicate well with other platforms. As a result, need to prepare distinct codes.

On the other hand, Hybrid apps are coded with Javascript, HTML, and CSS serves as a unified code base system accessible on multiple platforms.

That mean Hybrid won the debate?
maybe yes or maybe no,

Performance:- Do you want an app or a Superman? That follows your command in seconds and responds to your every touch quickly.
The Superman name is Native app, they best works with APIs, effectively with OS, and directly serve great with or without data.
Hence, in the case of performance, the native apps have extra points.
So, the discussion is over? no

Time and money– The minimum viable product, Hybrid saves time, money, and also hard work. The native app costs both and efficiently providess a user-friendly and long-run program.

Hence, calculating all pros and cons, I can suggest one thing, go with your goals, check your main points, and choose.

Love and the place…..

There is a place inside me that saves me from drowning, every single day all I see is a lot of water, some air, and peace…

Life is not tough, probably it is nothing to scale but dealing is. Every day coming back to, all I love is the way but the thought of going home scares me because I have to be in a place where people love me but do not care.

I have always been eager to search for love. Honestly, I was so confident about my career thing that I focused on dreaming about love. Isn’t it so fancy how just one person takes all your scars away? Love is enough to heal all the scars you have.

How patheticly, one can be wrong! In the real world, the body heals you, they are only part of your healing process. But all the in charge is you. You should always have the kind of wisdom to fight.

Whenever you feel like dying, remember you are always worth more. Always, maybe you are not born to define someone’s love story or have a beautiful family. Maybe you are here to be a part of something greater.

Even if you’re alone in your misery, and being alone is excruciatingly painful. It hurts a lot but always remember the only escape. A beautiful place.

When they say admire the hope,

I looked at the sun and said,

When they say fight,

Can I admire you?

When they said fears…

I wore gloves and looked toward fears,

And ordered, it’s time to have a battle.

When they said loneliness,

I pulled up a gun and told people,

And said “I am gonna kill you all”

So that I will be happily lonely,

But then my mom said,

Happiness, freedom, and some hypocritical definitions of feminism,

This time I believed it,

I said on a stool with a diary and pen,

That she will read…

In holy books, they say god comes in the form of a mother,

So I trusted my god….

And, the god left me alone,

She took my gloves and pointed the same gun at me…

I wished at a moment it would get triggered.

The death will be a relief

No more anxiety, no more depression,

No willingness to gain strength, for own murder…

But the term evil arrived,

She didn’t trigger…

She just kept pointing and it is the end of my story.

Cheers to Graduation

I’m not sure how big a deal it is, as almost every year lakhs of people graduate, some from IITs and several others from great government universities. Few do it as a compulsion, many do it for a career and good job and I just did it. For your kind information, Neither I passed out from a great place nor got a great job offer as the course I have chosen was Bachelors of Science. The three years course consists of subjects: physics, electronics and mathematics and that too from a usual private college. Even after, the second year of my college, Covid introduced itself to the world, as a result, I spent half of my graduation in lockdown and didn’t even receive a proper farewell. No placements came, and I realized the world is full of creeps and craps. So here’s a question why I’m acknowledging it? Because I just got my degree after a year and realized why not celebrate it. 

See, what we all do is learn irrespective of circumstances. I learned in my college that everybody won’t like you; no matter how cool you are, hatred will be a part of it. You can experiment with whatever you like. It was only during my college days, I genuinely did believe that I can do whatever I feel. The library became my best partner and my best friend became a stranger. In the first year, I was surrounded by the glamour of a fresher’s party and a few hot guys who were not interested in me. I realized the first year of college is a new life where you have a platform to represent yourself fanatically. You do all that you fantasize about and realize it is all stupid but still, carry your confidence. Another part of me wanted 

 to have a fulfilling ambition and a bunch of friends at which I’m always weak. People were not always supportive of me, being the only child of my parents; my companions were trees and the sun. However, to enjoy college life, I let some wisdom come inside me and tried to make new friends. It only took the first year of exam results to realize that not all of my friends will be happy with my success and my seven groups of friends split into one when I topped. The one new woman who came into my life was Khushboo, an ambitious, competitive, arrogant but with a sweet smile friend. We both were very different from each other but united by having the same crushes. We used to do basic things, studying current affairs; I forced her to do a physics project with me. We always try to fly kites every year which genuinely never take off, despite that, we always laughed at those moments as conclusions never mattered to us. At times we think less and live a lot, graduation was that part of me. Then a breakthrough came in my life. Editor in chief at college magazine, I know I did belong to science field but my soul always been a poet and during writing about the director in that magazine I realized, what you love to do sometimes, it is not that much lovable, there are times when you fake and frustrated about it. but if the work is your soulmate you always find a better way. So I did work hard and It get published. My flight was almost ready to land and Covid interrupted signals and it felt like everything is useless as no proper ending ever happened. Despite all, we decide our ending not the world. I know I haven’t achieved too much as per society’s perspective but if I look closely and evaluate, what I learned, I have grown and realized, that let things happen their way, maybe they won’t have a perfect shape but they will teach you, give you reasons to smile and moments to feel embarrassed. That’s what I did at my graduation; I embarrassed myself and also embraced my personality.

Cheers! 

Can I….?

Can I ask you  a favor
Without disappointment
A phase without problem
The machine without resistance
Or a human mind without overthinking

Can you help me to find a way
To start a journey of success
Without failures,
To find love without hurt
A relationship without expectations
Or a friendship forever…..

Can you promise me,
Myself as a better person
Without trying
My ambitions without willingness
Or a smile without tears..

Can we figure out things
Free from confusion and altercation
Can I write forever
To escape from the world’s;
Pity and prospects
Can I become confident once again,
Without losing myself?

Can I start life in lives
Hope in pessimism
And present between;
Nostalgia and procrastination

Can I be real and happy both
Drowning and peaceful
Excited and calm…

Can I be all ??
Or just nothing …..!

Can I become Santa Claus?

This story is about Emily, a young girl who wishes to meet Santa Claus before Christmas night. She discusses with her mom that Santa will come to meet her?…

Emily- Mom, will Santa come tonight??
Mom- Yes sweetheart, he will come.
Emily- How are you so sure?
Mom- Because I believe that he was an honest Saint.
Emily- According to my all friends, he is an imaginary figure, so how can he come tonight?
Mom- Do you believe them?
Emily- No, I believe in Santa Claus.
Mom- and, I believe in you, so you should sleep now so that Santa can come quietly.
Emily- Okay Mom, Goodnight!
{ Suddenly, someone whispers in Emily’s ears- ‘Jingle bell, Jingle bell, Jingle all the way‘}
Emily- {Opens eyes and sees a white beard and red cap and shouts} So you are real Santa Claus.
Santa Claus – (Smiles) Yes Emily.
Emily- So will I get any gifts??
Santa Claus- Umm, I have to think about it, You know my Slogan right?
Emily- yes Santa, “naughty or nice” If I’m nice, I will get a gift and if I’m naughty, I will get a Coal.
Santa- So what do you think you are??
Emily- I’m the nicest child in the entire universe.
Santa- (Smiles) ohh! then I have to give you a gift. so tell me child, what do you want?
Emily- I want to be Santa Claus.
Santa – (surprisingly) Why me?
Emily- Because then I will have all the gifts which you gives to all children.
Santa- Ohh this is a very greedy thought, but if you want to be me, then you should know about me.
Emily- Yes yes, tell me how you became Santa Claus.
Santa- So my name is Saint Nicholas, I was very young when I became an orphan. I always believed in Jesus Christ. I was also sent to jail at the age of 8 because of believing in Jesus Christ.
But no matter what, I still trust him and follow his words- ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength’.
As I believe love, trust, and happiness are the supreme powers. So I started giving gifts to nice children to make them happy. Sometimes to save them as I secretly provided marriage dowries by dropping gold down the chimneys of three girls whom poverty would otherwise have forced into prostitution and that the gold landed in a stocking left to dry on the fireplace.
I provided gifts using the real estate money that my parents had.
So, Sweet Emily if you want to be me then you should Love your neighbor as yourself. Be a giver first than acceptor and, always remember no gift is greater than the gift of kindness, love, and trust.
Emily – Dear Santa, I will follow your words, I will always reflect upon you.
Santa Claus- Yes Emily, All the best
So should I go now??
Emily – Wait till next Christmas, I will give you a company.
Santa Claus – (laughing) you will be a very good company sweetheart, goodnight and Merry Christmas!.

I’m Dreaming

Dreaming is a charismatic hobby.

I’m dreaming,
Though my world is collapsing,
My inner emotions are bursting
Tell me to do something,
But all I’m doing
Is ..I’m dreaming,

Traveled between nightmares,
Those appears at mornings,
My life knows how to taciturn things,
And all I learn, how to dream,

Mentioning Plato and aristocracy
In name of philosophy
All I’m explaining things
Without any ears listening me
Yes, I’m dreaming;

Dreaming for a valuable shot,
Dreaming for miracle to happen,
Giving reasons to feel pleasures
Desiring and just dreaming….

That day may be I will stop dreaming
When my all anxieties will vain
My questions will disappear
The destination will be silence,
But the truth is , all this happening because I’m dreaming, not working .

Ever Failed an exam?

Steve Jobs: “The journey is the reward”

Surely the answer from your side is yes. you must be thinking that why I’m making you revisit a painful moment.

For me the wound of failure is fresh. On March 24, 2021, I decided to give an exam on mass communication, and I am still aware of how happy I was when I found the ray of hope.

Since childhood, I have always wanted to be a writer. Must admit, I was a great writer. not in sense of perfectness though in terms of freedom. I was free from rules of grammar and vocabulary, wasn't worry about the feedback, and from the fear of " what will people say".

However, my destiny decided science for me, as in my family humanities is never considered as an option to choose.

 It’s been more than 7 years of writing and, I finally thought to take the first step of courage and write the exam for the Indian Institute of Mass Communication(IIMC). It is my dream to pursue mass communication.

In college, my first article was on “Right to Question”. I still remember how happy I was when I recognized my new interest in politics.

Nevertheless, soon after writing all dreams and love stories, the maturity word strikes in my head and, I realized bro you are not a good writer!!!

Do you know why, because, I’m not good with constructing phrases, violating grammatical rules, and also not using fanciful vocabulary? but anyways I’m still writing to keep my childhood writer alive and waiting for one day to make her feel proud that yes, I did it.

 Let’s come back to the topic of exams and failure. So when I received admit card from IIMC all, I wanted to go alone to a new city mentioned as a place for the exam. I thought this is the time to fight with my parents for my dream, high time to take a stand, and as so I did.

Ebulliently, It was easier for me to convince them. Alas, my destiny has unexpected ways. My Aunt got stuck in the same city and to take her back to the house my uncle visited the city on the same dates as my exam and, I JOINED HIM DISAPPOINTETLY.

After reaching the city, I was enthusiastic as every step towards examination was like a dream to me. I am a person who is always reluctant to give exams and scared of results. but this time it was my choice and proud moment.

Since I’m exacerbating this much, you must be thinking that I should have prepared well, right? not really. As I told you my main career stream is science and this exam was foreign to me. All I just knew was that this is all about journalism and nothing else.

 I completed my 2 hours exams in one hour and was confident( overconfident) about my performance. obviously, I was happy because at least I was able to give some correct answers and it was enough for me.  

Yesterday the result came and I got 53%. The usual cut-off for the exam goes to 94%, you can figure out how terrible position I got.

So yeah I failed to gain a good position and disappointed my childhood writer. whenever I remember the entire journey of failure I can evidently say it was a beautiful experience.

Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations.

Oliver Goldsmith

It is always beautiful to do something out of your league, it is great to explore new things for yourself. So, if you are fearful of choosing something and procrastinating your failure. Just breathe and trust yourself and do something that makes you feel alive, maybe you will fail but the journey will be a reward.

Gooday!

Where is my positivity??????

Be happy; Be fine; Life is beautiful and, you are great …….!!!

Whenever I open Instagram or text any mate to see and share my frustrations.

 All that I receive some of the above powerful lines and I wonder why?

Like why it is really important to be fine and how can someone be happy all the time. 

I belong to a middle-class family where all my relatives are achievers. 

When I specifically talk about achievers, the first designation is Engineer, then the second doctor. The last thing they prefer is B.Sc, the three-year course that I’m doing or maybe done with it. 

In case if you don’t know what it is, the full form is Bachelor of Science. 

Yes, science is first and, it will be the last. No arts and commerce can exist.

 So, should I still get hurt about it like how they stopped me from pursuing arts in school as I’m a graduate student and as per the terms and conditions of maturity, I should have accepted that it was a past and move on. So, yes I accepted the fact that I cannot change any more.

 But still, many small things of the past bother me you know like they were hidden somewhere. 

I know weak people regrets, complain, and make excuses but today all I can accept is that, Yes I’m weak.

Sorry, Grandma! maybe I’m not strong as you thought, sorry mom maybe my ambitions are vanishing and all I feel deep down is frustration, anger, and sadness.

No one talks about these things because they all say these are negatives, tears are bad and, anger is a curse. 

All shows they are best, they are doing their best, and trust me we all want our best versions only. Though you can’t deny before the best, the worst comes.

In a recent interview, the interviewer asked me to tell her my weaknesses, and all I wanted to say is that my weakness is my fear that how will I survive with this attitude. Stress that I do and want to do something great, but all I imagine is vast, and at present, I feel lost somewhere.

Today my 8 years old cousin told me that she feels alone with everybody and, I hugged her to make her feel that she is not alone. 

We all want this hug in our life where words and motivation don’t work. The only thing works are emotions without any filter.

I was reading a newspaper where a student said, I want to study but when Covid arrived I was 17 and now I’m close to becoming 20, how can I go to school? His question was valid but the answer, no one can justify.

You must be thinking why I’m linking all this and sounding so low, the reason is:

Today, I’m confessing to you all my vulnerabilities so that in case anyone feels alone can relate that it’s not the positivity that exists and they are not the only one who is suffering, I’m here too. 

Remember, in a moment of despair any statement and question are valid. All you just need to confess and believe.

 Yes, sadness exists, depression exists but no evidence of them says they are forever. This negativity can be your today but trust me your and my tomorrow will be great, we will be strong.

So still planning for tomorrow???

Let me introduce you with me as a person of 2019- 

The strong determined woman with a plan for the next 100 years or the next day or who was prepared for the very next moment. The ambitious and pretty scared of failures yet definitely an organized woman.

Then 2020 struck like lightning and introduced with Covid19. Yes, it was the first unplanned event of my life that continued till one year but as I was trying to be prepared for the next year, all I survived with optimism that 2021 will bring a great change.

And guess, it brought a terrible change. We all get change from planning tomorrow to saving lives for today.

So, as per my outlook yes, it gave me one of the worst experiences of failure of plans, death trolls, and lockdowns but when it comes to introspection.

Covid made me sit and realize, if not these plans then what remains, if not tomorrow comes then how will you survive this moment?

We all planned our future in 2019 that one day we will write about our life experiences, art will be made to describe the misery of the world or the sacrifices we have made in the painting, and inside singer will sing a song for itself to recognize that he is alive.

That one day of future came in Covid times, it allowed singers to sing and smile, an art of faith that we will survive and for me, an opportunity to write an outlook, an outlook consist of both, the frustration with blessing.

Isn’t that beautiful?  that we are facing inner freedom from future tensions in locked doors. We are mourning thousands of daily deaths with thanks to God for our every single breath.

Yes, it is a moment that combines all forms of energy to survive and live the only day that is the present day.

You must be thinking now If I’m still planning for tomorrow? 

 The answer is NO! I started living for today.